Last night, while riding in a shuttle on my way home, there were a few flashes of events that happened lately that came into my mind. When I was already a few turns away from home, I can't help it, but tears fell from my eyes.
I guess the body fatigue that I had that time was a big factor for those thoughts to come to mind. Not that I'm saying that I'm burnt out from work, no, really. Actually, I have had my ways of coping up with work-related stress or whathaveyous. I guess my brain is just overused due to too much thinking.
I guess the imaginary wall that has been there all the time since my grandfather died, finally broke down. The wall that has been my support. My emotional support. As I have mentioned in my previous post, I haven't been emotional lately unless it has something to do with my late grandfather. Every time I hear issues or stories that are intended to enter in one ear and exit at the other, I have been always firm with myself not to comment about it, but rather to just go on with my normal life as if they (the other people from the other side of the street) will not affect us, or at least myself.
I guess I was wrong. I can never just ignore those things. Because if my family is affected, then I am affected. I can never disassociate myself from any issues or family matters.
I guess I was back last night. My old self was back. My true identity. My living half. I have been questioning why I felt like I was slowly being numb, but now the feeling is gone.
Those tears were the sign that I am alive again.
I really can't explain the feeling I had last night. When I got home, I still cannot contain myself. We had our late dinner and I was sniffing. Dad thought I had colds. Then suddenly, I was becoming teary-eyed, and Mom noticed it. I just told her, it was because of my colds.
I'd like to believe that this is how it came to this... When we were hearing stories, Mom and Dad were mostly affected. I was just there hearing, not listening. It was like a strike of an earthquake and they were the ones who were wrecked by the (main)shock. I was an unaffected area. But when an aftershock came, they were not affected, I was the one. So I guess this is an aftershock.
"ewan ko ba. lamo ung feeling na blanko ka pero parang andami mong iniisip
tapos ung pagod na hindi mo malaman kung pagod ba ung katawan mo ung isip mo o kung ano bang parte ng pagkatao mo ung pagod na" - Ice to Jobs
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